Hi. My name is Amy Howorth and I'm a bad mother.

I fed my kids chicken sausage this morning that was. not. organic. I let them watch American Idol last night.    I told them they were wonderful just for existing.  They will clearly end up in prison some day because of their over inflated self esteem.  Or will they?  I mean, isn't Middle School about the worst time in your life?  Until you get laid off at the age of fifty?

Here's the thing. My mother loved me.  My father didn't abuse me or my mother.  He was cheap.  But that's not a sin.  They told me I was wonderful at a time in life when I felt I was just awful.  I thought they were nuts.  I was too skinny, had braces, a bad perm and really thick glasses. We bought my clothes at sales!  How, I ask you, can that possibly be wonderful?  My mother told me that what counted was on the inside.  Are you kidding?

Turns out she wasn't.  And she was right.  Mothers always are.  Like most of us,  I am filled with worry. Worries about the economy.  Worries about my kids.  Worries about the environment.  But, in moments of clarity, I realize that all that really matters is what is inside.   If my husband loses his job, is he really a different person?  Or just a person without a job?  Will he still love me and the kids?  Will he still be  Democrat?  Will he still love the Dodgers?  The fundamentals won't change, but the little stuff which seems like really big stuff might.  We could lose our house.  We may have to move.  We may have to eat non-organic food from a can and shop at sales once more.  Hey- shouldn't we do that now in the spirit of budgeting?  

Turns out there are a lot of similarities between middle school and middle age. Both are times when our bodies change drastically.  Middle School brings on vertical growth spurts, middle age brings on horizontal growth spurts.  Think about the changes to our skin- middle school equals zits, middle age equals wrinkles.  And the hair issues.  In middle school, hair starts sprouting out in all kinds of wacky places.  By middle age, it either starts to dwindle or sprout out of the ears. If there is any doubt about the similarities, just look at Facebook.  The two most avid users are middle schoolers gossiping about each other, and middle agers reminiscing about when they were middle schoolers gossiping about each other. Either way, being in the middle is always challenging.

So, as I am firmly in Middle Age ( god willing I should live to my eighties), I try to remember my mother's loving wisdom (and by the way, I wish I was still too skinny). As  the mother of two middle school aged boys, I try to use that wisdom to teach them that they are more than the sum of their Quicksilver parts...Sometimes, when they come running downstairs, hair greasy and zits a popping, I control that urge to wrinkle up my nose and say "pee you." I gently suggest that there is still time for a shower even though I know they weren't truly worried about the time. I remind them that I am really able to afford them a haircut.  I try not to judge when they tell me a horrific story about what they did at lunchtime- instead I feel gratitude that they are talking to me at all.I try not worry them about the economy too much, but gently point out the cost of things and remind them how rich in love we all are.

And last night, for dinner, we ate Cap'n Crunch out of the box while Tatiana got her second chance on Idol." Being a bad mother has its perks.

ps- this blog is my attempt to face my fears.  I know that others out there struggle with being a parent, a professional, an artist, whatever the issue, we all struggle.  I chose the name WiredElvis because I have always loved Elvis, and believe that if he were alive he would be struggling right now to make sense of our wired existence.  I am a politician (local school board member), photo editor (previously of Wired Magazine) and a mom, which is really a combination of the two.  I plan to post weekly. Hope you enjoy.

Comments

[Kenn W. Kiser]

Amy,
I can totally relate to your story! As you already know, you and I graduated the same year, which makes me a middle-ager, too. My wife and I also have two children (but our son is the only teen in the house for now).

Nothing you've presented so far indicates that you're a bad mother, as suggested in your Blog's title, but no doubt that's just another element of your creative writing that makes your blog so fun to read. Thanks for "putting yourself out there" so those of us who aren't capable of facing our fears publicly can benefit from your experiences. ;-)

Keep up the great work!!!
Kenn

[Kathy Sena]

Amy, you're on a roll! The blog looks great and it's such a fun read already. I'm going to go subscribe right now.

[Nina]

I feel your worry, sister girlfriend. I may have dodged a big bullet during my kids middle school years, but am going through HS hell. Hard to watch your kids make mistakes (which being a teenager is all about) in such a small public arena. How I long for raising kids in NYC.

Why are everyone elses kids so perfect?

[Kathleen]

So, this is what I have to look forward to in 13 years - count me in! :)